Diet

And so the pattern cycles round again: I really should have it all figured out by now, but I don't. I get my diet sorted out for a while: I cut out wheat, sweets, biscuits, all that bad stuff, and my whole system feels the benefit. But then something slips. Doughnuts appear at work. I eat one. Doesn't seem to be a problem. A colleague passes by: would I like a biscuit? Ooh, perhaps just the one. I get home. Helen's baked some new bread. I feel like I should sample a slice. And before I know it I am ravenously scoffing bread, cakes, sweets, chocolates, whatever presents itself, all over again. And then the inevitable physical symptoms settle back in: I don't feel properly awake, my face starts to feel dry and sore, I start to get the allergic reactions and sneezing fits again, the compulsion to snack takes over. I head for the snack machine at work and buy a shedload of choccie bars: Aeros, Marathons, whatever. That wraith-like being inside me demands to be fed!

Like I say: I should know better by now. I can see the signs. I know what happens. And I know I can quit the foods that seem to bring on these compulsions, I've done it before. So I finally take my diet in hand and kill the wheat and sugar intake. After a few days, things are better: I don't feel so fat, I feel a bit more energy, the compulsions recede. I start to think "Yes, I've finally cracked it! I don't need the junk food anymore!" And so it proves for a few more days. But then I'm back to where I began this entry: a solitary doughnut and I'm back on the roundabout again!

Compulsive eating seems to be a real problem for me, especially when I remind myself that it's nothing I can't (in theory) control. It's like a heroin addict saying that s/he is just a passive agent, powerless to countermand the diktats of the drug. It's not my fault, guv, it's the drugs, they're doing it to me. It's just a way of avoiding personal responsibility. Likewise - for me - the compulsive eating. I am effectively choosing to allow my diet to get out of hand and into an unhealthy state.

So that's where I am right now. I have spotted the cycle repeating, as I enter the phase of increasing junk-consumption. I want to nip it in the bud, but the naughty inner voice which is saying "OK, kick the habit, but just have one last bar of chocolate first...".

I guess this is how addicted smokers reason. I used to smoke a bit, just as a social prop, but I never felt addicted to nicotine. However with wheaty/sugary foods, I am an ADDICT. I need some Twelve-Step-Programme or something: there is an organization called Overeaters Anonymous, I even went to one of their meetings. It's a full-on quasi-religious support network: talk of relying on your "Higher Power" (God, whatever your concept of that is) to help you with your powerlessness in the face of the compulsions, a ritualistic meeting framework (each contribution is preceded by the intro "My name is Billy Bunter (or whoever), and I am a compulsive overeater." And the response "Hi, Billy". Not sure I could get on with that. That approach has clearly worked for a lot of people, alcoholics, drug addicts, but I'm not sure I can take the cultish organization and the need to accept the evangelical assertion that the Twelve-Step programme is The Only Way to cure you. Maybe it is, and I am doomed forever to repeat my eating patterns until I recognize that, but I'm not there yet.

So there we are. Those are the thoughts at the moment. Time to end the cycle! (It sounds SO easy when I just say it like that!)